There is so much pain, so much turmoil, physically and emotionally in our world right now. We are at a precipice right now, where many of us are met with this silence– and an opportunity to heal. I think many are wondering though, where can I turn to heal? I spent the last two years of my life seeking healing. One year ago I had reached new levels of growth, and now? Well, I’m a completely different woman than I was two years ago, and immensely different than one year ago.
If you are intuitive, you may have picked up from our posts and writings that Kelcie and I are Christian. It might be hard for some people to understand why — because we’re in a same-sex relationship 😮 — but I guess that’s why I want to share some of this story. So you can know, that I know, that God loves every single one of his children, regardless of circumstance. For me, God and Jesus Christ were ultimately where I found my deepest healing, love, and acceptance — and strangely to many, not condemnation. My relationship with Kelcie has bloomed since then, and I want others in the LGBTQ community, and anyone else who feels ‘outside’ typical Christian ideology to know their true nature: Love.
The Power in Opposition
Good and evil, right and wrong, light and dark: opposition is the basis of our existence. We’ve evolved far enough in our intelligence to know that our earth exists and rotates on a tilt of magnetic force– which would not exist without opposing positive and negative forces. There was a point in time when we didn’t know that however, so perhaps we still have more to learn. So open your mind a little bit, God reveals all things to us at a pace we are capable. Maybe we’re ready for a little bit more.
Now I need to tell you a story. This story is very personal, real, scary, enlightening, and beautiful. This is how I came to find peace, love, humility, acceptance, knowledge, and understanding in all things. I can look forward in my life knowing that even though it will be full of heartache, pain, grief, loss, and weakness; that through the power in opposition, it will also be filled with greater joy, love, empathy, happiness, and strength.
A Little Background
Kelcie and I were both raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You may have also heard the name more commonly known as “Mormons.” We didn’t know this about each other when we met, and both of us had left that religion behind. If you know me or you’ve read our posts you know that my previous relationship was bad. I suffered a lot of trauma, and I had lost custody of my children. I was experiencing tremendous grief, anxiety, and PTSD. Religion was my main source of attempts at finding hope while I was in that relationship, because he was also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ, and that was all I knew my whole life. I had failed in that department, never finding solace. Looking back, I was just afraid to trust the feelings I felt, because sometimes they went against the ‘rules.’ So in the aftermath of leaving that religion and that man behind, I sought out so many different and new methods of healing. The scope of vision in which I saw my life was exceedingly dire. Full of fear, anxiousness, and grief. All I could think about was getting rid of the pain, fear and mainly grief over the loss of my children. Kelcie happened to be the only bright thing in my sea of darkness, and she shared in my burdens. So we sought healing together. This story is deep, the depths of which I will save for another day. I am only going to touch the surface, to share with you the most important things I learned from my experience.
The Quest for “Self-Healing”
In my quest for healing I began to hear this common term floating about: “self-healing.” You see it everywhere, podcasts, books, there is a lot of content on how to “self-heal,” “self-help,” “self-manifestation.” So I set out to learn everything I could, and do everything I could to achieve this peace that is supposed to come from self-healing and self-acceptance. I attended a traditional counselor, and an energy healing spiritual counselor. I attempted manifestation through meditation. Chakra meditation healing & balancing. I practiced movement meditations of yoga and tai chi. My home was full of healing crystals. I even did a newer type of brain training that a friend suggested for victims of trauma. You hook up to a machine that measures your brain wave activity and it attempts to rewire your brain waves in an attempt to normalize your reactions, lessening triggers among other things. So I know you’re dying to know what happened, and you might be assuming I will say it didn’t work, because of where this is going… but it did work, until it didn’t.
In actuality, I reached this level of love, peace, and empathy that I had never felt before. I didn’t feel angry toward my ex-husband. Though I missed my children dearly, I learned how to cope and feel love for them while away. So I kept doing what I was doing, because it was working. I wanted understanding. I sought out my creator in an attempt to understand my suffering. I sought spiritual enlightenment… and through the practices I mentioned, I attained what many refer to as a spiritual awakening. Enlightenment, opening of the third-eye. The things I experienced are not easy to explain or share. Which is why I have chosen to not at this time. But what I feel I need to say, is that it is not all that it seems. For anyone who has a goal to reach this type of spiritual enlightenment I offer an experience that was not all peace and happiness.
After I Opened my Third-Eye
In the beginning it was exciting, full of light, happiness, joy and complete acceptance and love of myself and others. But it began to transform into something else. When you experience this, a spiritual counselor who has gone through this will encourage you to let go of your ego. Your ego being your identity you’ve had your entire life. That you must let it go to feel truly at peace, and if you don’t? Well, it’s all fire and hell. Darkness took over the moment I desired to connect to people the way I once did. Fear took over like a bat out of hell and my life went nuts. There is much more to what I came to understand about this experience, but for now I want to focus on one thing, so that it’s easy for you to understand.
What do I mean by connecting to people like I once did? Once I was in that enlightened state, it was like you became so far “above” people you couldn’t connect to them anymore. You needed them to be like you to connect. Kelcie and I had reached this point together, so we were still able to connect, but to others who knew us, we became different and distant. There was also this idea that our higher self was essentially God. That all the answers you need, all the love you need, all the healing is found in your enlightened self. Suddenly we were placed on this pedestal. High above the rest of the world. The love that I felt for others was a basic feeling of “everyone must reach this state for people to be good to one another.” Everyone needs to submit to their higher self to love others and not be evil. But then I felt how much I had lost my identity. I, as I had always known myself to be, had no more power over my choices. This may seem confusing to you, but it’s huge. When I chose to become me again, darkness was enraged.
I, as I had always known myself to be, had no more power over my choices… When I chose to become me again, darkness was enraged.
“Self-healing” is not our salvation, it is temporary. The healing I felt was temporary, and even if I didn’t reach the level of spiritual ascension I did, it would’ve been temporary– because it was focused on myself alone.
Self-healing is in actuality selfish. To let every emotion affecting you outside yourself go, can help you cope with life, but it’s self serving. Seeking God within yourself is prideful. In the history of mankind, every pitfall, every downfall, every end of a great and powerful nation falls on the back of pride. The act of putting yourself up, eventually knocks you down, and many times brings others down with you. How can I meet someone where they are, when I’ve placed myself too high to see them? I could not connect with people because pride in the false form of selflessness had rule of my heart.
Where can I turn for lasting healing?
Remember that thing about opposites? What is the opposite of pride? Humility. This is where we find our true healing. But how do we become humble? I know everyone wants to pretend like it’s easy, but it’s actually the most challenging act for humanity to be humble. So it’s something we need to strive for everyday, and know that we will not be perfect at it. I want to share with you how becoming humble healed my heart, and I finally found the peace I have sought for so long.
First I need to go back a little bit. I mentioned that self-healing is selfish, but you might be thinking, well how else do you heal yourself? It is in serving others, healing others, and being willing to through love. It is important to understand that we are all one. Connected to each other in spirit. When we heal another, we heal ourselves.
Ask yourself what you yearn for in your life most. When you seek self-acceptance… is it because you don’t accept yourself? Or is it because others or society make you feel unaccepted? When you seek self-love… is it because you don’t love yourself? Or is it because you aren’t feeling loved by another? Our deepest desire is to be loved! To feel love from someone else. A parent, a spouse, a sibling, a stranger. We yearn to be loved, and we often don’t receive that love.
Our deepest desire is to be loved! […] We yearn to be loved, and we often don’t receive that love.
Humanity is one big family. We were all created by someone. Those someones are our heavenly parents, and they love us. We are all their children. If you put yourself above your fellow humans, and you seek God within yourself, you prevent yourself from feeling the love that exists there! That is what I did. When I humbled myself to learn that I am equal to every being on this planet. That our Father and Mother in heaven love each one of us equally, and truly felt their love for me and everyone else, I began to heal.
The God who Heals: Jesus Christ
This Sunday is Easter, the celebration of Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection. Regardless of your beliefs about the story of Jesus Christ, I want you to consider the example of love and humility in his story. Everything Christ did was out of unconditional love. He volunteered himself as sacrifice, as an act of love, so that no other person would have to bear that burden. All the glory was given to his Father. In all the lessons he taught, he emphasized that He spoke for his Father, to give him the glory. That they were one in purpose, as are we with him, but he is our creator, and to give him thanks. Christ served and healed the people. He did not care whether they were labeled a “sinner.” He washed the feet of his brethren as if he were a servant. He asked forgiveness for those who killed him.
Christ’s resurrection was an act of love by our Father in Heaven. Consider the love that Jesus has for his Father, and for us, to have completed his task. Also consider the love that the Father has for his children, all of us, to watch one of his own children suffer for all the rest. It is a story of love that overcomes suffering. Humility in being willing to sacrifice for others. And that is how we must seek to become like Jesus Christ. The first step to that is allowing yourself to feel the immense love your Father and Mother in heaven have for you individually. That love that you seek from others can be found in your heavenly parents, and that love is powerful, and it is healing. That is where my story went from darkness to light.
When I had become engulfed in darkness, fearing my life was over, not knowing which way to turn, I turned to my last hope. I remembered what I had learned as a child. The basics about God and Jesus Christ, and the light that overcomes darkness. I prayed after reaching complete humility, knowing I had no strength to overcome this myself as my body wretched in torment, asking for my Father in heaven to save me. He came and filled me up entirely with his light and love and understanding. This was the true peace and healing that I had been seeking. No other healing had given me this. To feel the real, powerful, unconditional love of my creator; my father in heaven and his Son Jesus Christ, was to feel everlasting healing.
To feel the real, powerful, unconditional love of my creator; my father in heaven and his Son Jesus Christ, was to feel everlasting healing.
Every single person on this planet is capable of feeling the unconditional love of our heavenly parents and Jesus Christ, no matter your circumstance. When you pray, pray to feel that love. He is not scary, He is not angry, He is not what many make him out to be. He is full of pure love for us, waiting for us to come to him, and when you do, he will pour out upon you his love and understanding meant just for you. Nurture that connection, and turn to him always. It is a process that leads to the ultimate healing in all things, and in time you will learn to hear him, and all the amazing things he has planned for you. I love you.