… and then Rebuilding our Truth

If you didn’t read my other half’s post first, go back and read it first. (here) Because this is what you would call part two, and it’s about boundaries, self-love, and acceptance. 

We are talking about love here, and a scary kind of love. The kind we have to dig deep to uncover, and it’s not always easy to accept or practice. I know it wasn’t easy for me, and it is still something I learn everyday.

When I met Kelcie, I definitely didn’t understand unconditional love and all the wonderful things she shared with us about that kind of love. We started out as friends, and I slowly began to see that she was different. Different in the way she listened, the way she empathized, and essentially the way that she embodied the love she had for others. She has a way of making you feel totally accepted however you are, which creates a safe place for you to express yourself. (She is going to hate that I’m writing all of this about her, but it’s worth it.) I developed a deep respect for her, and she became a great example for me. 

My best friend Celeste and I at the time, were essentially the same: very sensitive, but we kept our feelings in a little protective box, so we got along great and had lots and lots of fun, ha. We both poured all the emotion we were willing to share into our children– because they are pretty much a guarantee in loving you back. We had similar marriages: bad ones, lots of damage, and over. When Kels came into my life, she had this way of forcing that little box to open. Then I watched her effect on Celeste. Her little box was opening up a little bit too. I started feeling things I had never felt before… was this what love was meant to feel like? Absolutely.

My relationship with Celeste became deeper, because we were opening up our little boxes and allowing some vulnerability. (C’s box had some heavy duty locks on it ha) For the first time I learned how to truly love a friend, and the bond we formed will last lifetimes. We went through some rough spots, but when you love unconditionally, you learn that you must accept. Relinquish control and allow the person you love to find what they need. Sometimes that means space, because we are human, imperfect. Sometimes we need time to reflect, and be ready for one another when the time is right. I give a lot of the credit to my love, Kels, for the deepened bond my bestie and I found in each other. She taught us how by example, and through our relationship I soon learned how important it is to accept, continue loving, and adjust when necessary.

Soon I started to see the impact Kelcie could have, and I fell deeply and madly in love with her of course <3. I’ll be honest, I already mad crushed on Kels from the start :), but over time I learned that as impossible as it sounds, her inner beauty surpasses her incredibly beautiful outer beauty. This woman saw right through my tough outer shell that I’d spent my entire life building up as a protection against all the things I feared. The emotional pain that comes from letting people see you. From the chance that someone you love, might not love you back the same. 

When I met Kelcie, I was trying to restore my lost sense of self and recover from an incredibly damaging relationship. I did not like the person I had become and it didn’t feel like me. I have three beautiful boys, and I was doing everything I knew how to find a way out for them. However, I kept that deep part of my core, that wanted to love, be compassionate, sweet & kind, all locked up to anyone but those boys. In my last relationship, every time the real me came out she was hurt. Every attempt to forgive, to love and connect, was met with relief at first (yay we can go back to normal), then a wall, and then my empathy was used to manipulate. I accepted numerous abuses. I fought the abuse from the outside, but I accepted it internally. This was probably the worst thing I could’ve done for myself. My pride didn’t allow me to admit to anyone or myself that I was being abused. Mainly because I have always had a tough exterior, people see me as a strong woman, and I was fighting back.. But I never fought it or acknowledged it internally. I continued to let it happen by staying in that relationship. Which brings me to a point I want to address.

Walking Away in Love

Kels talked about loving unconditionally in our last post. Sometimes people hear this and think it means continuing a relationship with someone no matter what, but that’s not what it means. Unconditional love for someone means that you love them as they are, with the dynamic of the relationship changing as often as they change, and sometimes that means walking away in love, and putting some major boundaries on the relationship. The reason we do this is because our presence is hindering their growth, and possibly vice versa. I’ll be honest… I did not walk away from my ex in love – LOL. I wasn’t there yet. It was more like being chased out by a hailstorm of flaming daggers. I was left feeling devastated. Not over the loss of him, but my children. He used them as that final piercing dagger to my heart by trying to keep me from them. I am bound to this man in some way or form forever, because he is the father of my children. So how do you manage to love someone that is constantly hurting you? We have to walk away and set boundaries sometimes. When you allow yourself to be filled with love, and seek out answers from that love within you, and your Father above, you will know when it’s right to walk away. God often allows us the space needed to grow, lets us make mistakes, and when we humble ourselves, he is there. He is the greatest example of being away in love, because we turn away, but he is always loving and always there with open arms. We cannot receive Him having aggression or anger toward Him, sometimes we need to walk away from those who come to us likewise. It can and will be painful, but people will always feel emotional pain. It is part of being vulnerable. It allows us to feel the great powerful emotion of love. This process is not easy, but it starts with this one thing:

Acceptance

My life turned upside down when I split from my husband. I initially lost custody of my children, being blindsided by this man I had loved. By then I had lost all “love” for him, I hated him, and I couldn’t grasp his actions. Nowhere in my mind could I understand what he was doing. I suffered from major bouts of anxiety and depression over the next 18 months. Panic attacks and PTSS (Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome). Because I had never consciously accepted the abuse I was enduring while I was in it, it hit me hard when I was finally away. It was only when I began to live a life outside of that trauma that I realized the effect it had on me. Kelcie showed me endless amounts of unconditional love during this time. She was willing to love me, with all of my baggage. It was her example that led me to acceptance.

I was convinced I was unworthy of love from her. I felt so damaged from my last relationship. I knew it was causing her pain, because I felt like I wasn’t the person I wanted to be yet. I felt like I had more healing to do. I needed to take care of my PTSS, because it felt like it was getting in the way of our relationship. She kept loving me anyway, and kept trying to convince me I was worthy. I was worthy. I just didn’t understand that yet. 

Acceptance is such an important part of loving unconditionally. To love unconditionally is to love someone as they are. Including yourself. I couldn’t accept myself as I was, and I couldn’t accept the father of my children as he was. I wanted myself to be different, and I wanted him to be different, but I loved Kelcie as she was… The love I was willing to extend to her, I wouldn’t extend to myself or him. Our burden is to attempt to apply this type of love to everyone, and it’s not easy.

I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.

Luke 6:27-28 kjv

Here’s the thing. I realized, as Kels described, that at our deepest core we want to love everyone unconditionally. We just fight it in this hope of protecting ourselves from pain. For me, I realized that fighting it was the cause of my pain. So I let it go. I let myself feel that deep unconditional love — for the man that I “hated.” And that was the turning point for me. I accepted that I still loved him and always would, but that the love had evolved into something different, not gone. I realized that I could love him, and know that being away from him was the best thing for both of us. I accept that he will likely continue in his attempts to hurt me, manipulate, and possibly hurt my children in the process. There was a time when I did the same, and I had to accept that I also did hurtful things to him. The acceptance freed me from much of my suffering. Forgiveness, and acceptance, yet not an open door. I firmly believe that we all know what is right for ourselves, and it’s our responsibility alone to act on those feelings. I prayed extensively about leaving my ex early on, and it was very clear I needed to leave that relationship. Maybe learn from my mistake, and try to walk away in love, not hate. Create the boundaries that keep you and others safe, and ask the Lord for help. If we apply the Love of God in our lives, he will lead.

Self-Love and Acceptance

I am still learning how to apply this unconditional love to myself, but I’m making some major progress. With every step gained in that direction, I feel the burdens I carry become lighter. Forgive yourself, know that everybody hurts somebody sometime. Remember to love yourself on that deep level, not just the outer level. It becomes easier to love others and ourselves unconditionally the more we practice that love. I have learned that the best way we can feel that kind of love for ourselves, is by letting it in from another. I chose to let Kelcie in, and it was the best decision I ever made, because she loves me unconditionally. The other person that I know for a fact loves you unconditionally is our Father in heaven. Let his love in, let it fill you up, and let yourself love unconditionally. Love people the way they need you to love them. Walk away when you know it’s right, and stay when you know it’s right. No one else can make that decision for you. Let your true self shine through, embrace the love that lives there, then share that love with all the people you meet.